Back in December of 2014, I left my apartment in Quincy and moved back home for good. Although the weight of the world was mostly removed, thanks to God, I found myself becoming more aware of the insecurities that I tried to hide for so many years.
While staying at my brother’s house in February of 2015, I became severely depressed. I didn’t let anyone know what I was going through, but I was so miserable.
The insecurities started creeping in more and more, until one day, I thought to myself, “I am done. I cannot do this anymore.” I was trying to follow God, and the more I tried to be who I wanted to be, the more I kept falling, while doubting myself and God. So while laying there on the couch that night, I went to sleep, done with the world. But, little did I know that God had other plans for my life.
Even as light broke through the living room window the next morning, the heaviness was there, and I couldn’t bear to think of getting up off the couch, even to eat breakfast. My brother came in and turned on the morning news, but I zoned out as the reporter gave news updates.
I couldn’t stop concentrating on the doubts that filled my mind and the sorrow that filled my heart. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t care enough to do anything, but I knew I was in a bad place and needed help.
Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the news that was scrolling at the bottom of the screen caught my attention, as if God was talking directly to me. The message read, “Stay with Me.” I sat up, blinked and thought, “Did that just say what I thought that said?” I waited for it to scroll by again, and I read it again as plain as day.
“Stay with Me,” had just won the record of the year at the Grammys the night before. I felt like God used the song title as a message to tell me that I was going to be okay, if only I would stick with Him and let Him help me.
I smiled for the first time in days, and I immediately felt a huge weight lifted off of me. I got up and got ready for the day, with no depression hanging over me. I felt renewed and re-energized. God cared enough about what I was going through to pull me out of the pit that day.
I’ve been depressed at times since then, but I know where my help comes from, and who I need to go to in times of trouble. God continues to guide me, even on days when I feel like I’ve messed up too much to come to Him.
Life is a learning curve. There are days that are better than others, and days when staying in bed with the covers over me sounds better than facing the world, but God didn’t make a quitter. I’ve told God several times that I can’t do this (insert situation here) and that I’ve had enough; yet, after a few minutes, I feel His nudge as He tells me to talk to Him about what’s bothering me, and not to run from Him. I am learning that running doesn’t fix anything.
I’m a mess most days, and sometimes, I don’t have the strength to move, but I’m learning that God still loves me. He knows what I need each day, and he lovingly reminds me that He is with me as we walk together moment by moment and step by step.